math+jokes



three patients are up for release. The Doctor decides to give them an intelligence test. He turns to the first man and asks, "What is three times three?" "274," he replies. The Doctor asks the second man, "What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The Doctor turns to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man proudly. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you arrive at that?" "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

weird don't know what it means but its funny?

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter A: Pumpkin Pi!

Q: What does the zero say to the the eight? A: Nice belt!

That math prof's marriage is falling apart!" "No wonder! He's into scientific computing - and she's incalculable!"

A woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician. "How old, do you think, am I?" she asks coyly. "Well - 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow on your cheeks, 20 by that radiance of your face, and adding that up is something you can probably do for yourself..."

Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples? A: A high school math problem!

Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher? A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin...

Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza? A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...

Two mathematicians are studying a convergent series. The first one says: "Do you realize that the series converges even when all the terms are made positive?" The second one asks: "Are you sure?" "Absolutely!"

Q: How can you tell that Harvard was planned by a mathematician? A: The div school is right next to the grad school...

A mathematician is asked by a friend who is a devout Christian: "Do you believe in one God?" He answers: "Yes - up to isomorphism."

Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children? A: `I've told you //n// times, I've told you //n//+1 times...'

Q: Do you know any catchy anagram of Banach-Tarski? A: Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski...

"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague. "Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

Mother to her daughter: "Why does the tablecloth you just put on the table have the word `truth' written on it?" Daughter: "Because I want to turn the table into a truth table!"

A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space. "How did you like it?" the mathematician wants to know after the talk. "My head's spinning", the engineer confesses. "How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?" "Well, it's not even difficult. All I do is visualize the situation in arbitrary //N//-dimensional space and then set //N// = 13."

A newlywed husband is discouraged by his wife's obsession with mathematics. Afraid of being second fiddle to her profession, he finally confronts her: "Do you love math more than me?" "Of course not, dear - I love you much more!" Happy, although sceptical, he challenges her: "Well, then prove it!" Pondering a bit, she responds: "Ok... Let epsilon be greater than zero..."

"So how's your boyfriend doing, the math student?" "Don't mention that crazy pervert to me anymore! We broke up." "How can you say such a nasty thing about him? He seemed to be such a nice boy." "Imagine! He was restless during the days and couldn't sleep at night - always trying to solve his math problems. When he had finally done it, he wasn't happy: he would call himself a complete idiot and throw all his notes into the garbage. One day, I couldn't take it anymore, and I told him to drop math. You know what he told me?" "No." "He said, he enjoyed it!!!"

It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: "Will we ever need this stuff in real life?" The professor gently smiles at him and says: "Of course not - if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at MacDonald's!"

An American mathematician returns home from a conference in Moscow on real and complex analysis. The immigration officer at the airport glances at his landing card and says: "So, your trip to Russia was business related. What's the nature of your business?" "I am a professor of mathematics." "What kind of mathematics are you doing?" The professor ponders for a split second, trying to come up with something that would sound specific enough without making the immigration officer suspicious, and replies: "I am an analyst." The immigration officer nods with approval: "I think it's great that guys like you go to Russia to help those poor ex-commies to get their stock market on its feet..."

An investment firm is hiring mathematicians. After the first round of interviews, three hopeful recent graduates - a pure mathematician, an applied mathematician, and a graduate in mathematical finance - are asked what starting salary they are expecting. The pure mathematician: "Would $30,000 be too much?" The applied mathematician: "I think $60,000 would be OK." The math finance person: "What about $300,000?" The personnel officer is flabberghasted: "Do you know that we have a graduate in pure mathematics who is willing to do the same work for a tenth of what you are demanding!?" "Well, I thought of $135,000 for me, $135,000 for you - and $30,000 for the pure mathematician who will do the work."

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